Why Transitions Can Feel So Hard

Transitions are often the hardest moments of the day for toddlers and preschoolers and the most exhausting for parents.

Part of what makes them so difficult is that transitions involve a loss of control at a time when young children are already navigating the gradual realization that they are their own person, separate from their parents.

We tend to associate toddlerhood with opposition, but in my experience, the preschool years can be even more exhausting.

It is true that toddlers enter what is traditionally called the opposition phase, but with toddlers, two things tend to help: predictability and language.

For example, a consistent mealtime routine—first we use the potty, then we wash our hands, then we sit at the table—helps young children navigate transitions. Once the routine is established, simply referring back to it can often help children cooperate more peacefully.

Language helps too. During phases when my son did not want to do something, such as eating his favorite food or brushing his teeth, narrating a story would often dissolve the opposition before it turned into a power struggle. Young children love hearing stories about themselves or about us when we were children.

When I felt exhausted by the constant “no” of toddlerhood, I used to say out loud:

“Ah yes, that’s true. You need to say no. Toddlers need to say no. Even when they want something, they still say no! You’re discovering that you’re your own person!”

My son would often join in, and the moment would transform into laughter. We would make up silly examples together:

“Ice cream?”
“No!”
“Cake?”
“No!!!”

Humor can be quite magical. It can dissolve opposition without anyone noticing.

Why Preschoolers Can Be More Challenging Than Toddlers

Preschoolers are quite a different story. They are more verbal and more persistent. I often joke that three-year-olds are the best lawyers in the world. They have all the time in the world and can outsmart us effortlessly. As children develop a stronger sense of self, their need to assert themselves often grows stronger too.

Predictability still matters deeply during the preschool years, but unlike toddlers, preschoolers often feel a strong need to challenge the status quo. They need to test, question, negotiate, and understand where the boundaries truly are.

I often tell the parents I work with that children need to experience our words as meaningful and trustworthy. When limits constantly shift, children will continue testing them, not because they are “bad,” but because they are seeking security and predictability.

Children may resist boundaries, but they also tend to feel safer when the adults around them feel in charge and capable of holding those boundaries with confidence.

Consistency does not mean rigidity. It means that if I tell my son I will do something, I follow through. And if I tell him something needs to happen, even if he does not want to, I also follow through calmly (or as calmly as possible) and respectfully.

Helping Children Through Difficult Transitions

Because transitions involve a loss of control, they can quickly leave children feeling overwhelmed. This is often what is behind the meltdowns, including the aggressive ones.

One of the most useful shifts I have found is connection before direction. Instead of calling from the kitchen, “Come eat, dinner’s ready!”, going to the child, making eye contact, and gently letting them know dinner is almost ready gives them a chance to prepare. Some children do well with a few minutes of warning. Others find even that destabilizing.

For children who are easily overwhelmed, one thing that genuinely helps is building in time during the day when they are truly in charge. Even fifteen minutes of child-led time, where your child directs the activity and takes the lead, can help nurture connection while also supporting their need for autonomy.

Another way we can sometimes help children regain a sense of control during transitions is by helping them feel that they are working with us rather than simply being directed by us.

We went through a stretch where transitions at home had become a daily battle. Someone suggested trying a simple chart system. Charts are not usually my first approach, but the suggestion reminded me of something from my own childhood.

I used to suck my thumb, and my parents had tried everything to get me to stop. My dentist eventually suggested a one-month challenge: stop during the day, and if I managed it, I could choose a gift. Then we would try nights.

I still remember finding the willpower to actually do it. It did not feel like I was being bribed. It felt like I was earning something through my own effort.

Granted, I was older than my son, but I decided to try using a chart temporarily as a bridge to help break the pattern we had fallen into and bring a little more ownership to transitions.

The chart was simple: five successful transitions earned a reward he had chosen himself.

My son initially had no interest in the chart, so I put it away. Then one day, he asked to do it and it worked almost immediately.

I believe part of what made it successful was that it did not feel imposed on him. He had chosen the reward, chosen to participate, and felt involved in the process. It became less about me trying to get him to do something and more about him working toward a goal he cared about.

I do not think charts are the answer to every challenge. But I do think they can sometimes be useful with preschoolers when used as a temporary bridge rather than a long-term solution.

And on the hardest days, I try to hold onto this: these years are short. Even the moments that feel endless right now are temporary.

When I picture my son years from now, grown up and no longer needing me in these same ways, it softens things a little and helps me put things into perspective.

This phase will pass.

They all do.

If you are in the middle of this phase right now and would love some support, I would love to have you join the Oui Montessori Parent Coaching Circle. These live group coaching sessions are for parents who want practical guidance grounded in Montessori principles and child development. You can bring your real questions, hear from other parents navigating similar challenges, and leave with ideas you can begin using right away.